damsel-in-distress in-the-making

i can be a damsel in distress. i can be needy. i'm not always so strong. i get scared too. in fact, i'm such a coward. sometimes, i do need somebody to be there for me. not all the time, sure, but for the most part hopefully.

so what the hell is wrong with me??? there was another nice guy who seemed really interested. and there i go with being a jerk, again.

pero naman kasi, listen first. he's not gonna be here. he's going back to his country. i think i'm at the point where i need someone who can be around. all the time. if i'm going to embark on this thing, then i want to do it full on.

that's why the b??? thing didn't work out (not because he's going to sydney but his fault mostly because he was an ass). or the n???? thing (because he was just being a normal nice guy and had nothing to do with liking me). and now the m?????? thing (because he is going back to his country anyway).

its just "new" to me that if i say i don't want something, he'll take it away. or that if i say i'm going to smoke outside for a while, that he'll go outside and accompany me because he doesn't want me to go alone. or that if i say lets dance, that he won't dance with anyone else. or where he'd be half asleep but wake up to say have a nice day. or for example say that he's thinking of looking for work in SG.

(why do people use that very loosely though?? i'm pretty irked. coz really, if they do move and things don't work out, i have to put it in my guilt bag :P)

that aside, yes, i agree that those were sweet things. very sweet actually. and he seemed like a really nice guy. so what's wrong with me????

its just that... no one's done anything for me for a long long long while. sa totoo naman, KSP talaga ako eh. i crave attention, because i don't get any :D well, not exactly true, but mostly from the wrong type of guys - like old married men, young-ish married men, or gays.

master of disappointment

i've mastered the art of disappointment.
i know it inside out.
all those years of being disappointed,
of things not pushing through at the last moment.

that's my story.

there's the expectant feeling, wistful, hopeful,
that something great will happen.
just when you think things will start
turning out for the better...

it doesn't.

it doesn't even go downhill.

it just...stops.

disappears.

like being swallowed up by a black hole.
that empty vacuum space.

that sometimes i'd think - did that even happen?

or was it just me overthinking, overanalyzing,
letting my mind drift, making up the story,
long before there even was a story.

i'm so used to it that i'm not even surprised
when it happens, in this case, doesn't happen
i'm more likely to be surprised
if something great happens.
i'd pinch myself to check if i'm dreaming.
or expect it to end, that somehow,
there's a fluke in the universe,
and its all a big joke.
they do say that if its too good to be true,
then it probably is.

i just want someone to surprise me.
to break the cycle. someone not afraid to be different.
to not be like any other jerk in the planet.

post new year's

so i've been telling myself i should write. but did i? noooo, of course not.

i'm supposed to take some time and reflect on last year, and somehow make resolutions, not necessarily stick to them for good, but you know, at least there was the effort to start.

due to lack of serious thought on things, here are some items off the top of my head:

1. cut down, seriously, on smoking. really, you know its affecting your health but do you lessen the ciggy breaks? no need for cold turkey quitting. a simple cut down will do wonders. (yes i'm trying to convince myself)

2. exercise - sign up for muay thai - maybe by march/april. hey, i'm keeping track of my expenses, and i have stuff charged to my credit card til march. so it has to be april then. or mid march after my credit card cut off

3. get on top of my game again at work. one year of "rest" isn't doing me any good. yes, i know you don't intend to stay in SG forever and ever, and there's work waiting for you when you go back to MNL, but that doesn't mean you should be slacking off. get back that drive, that magis. yes, you're uninspired, but that shouldn't be a hindrance. find the passion again.

4. dive - you've never gone back down after you got your license. its time to dive again. diving's supposed to be therapeutic (okay i think i made that up), but it should be able to calm your nerves watching all the fish and the seaweeds sway in the current right? plus, you have to train your mind to be calm and not panic. so diving should be good mind-exercise :D

5. photography - i HAVE been lazy to shoot. its so bad that even i am unimpressed by my photos. it used to give me so much pleasure to review the photos afterwards. you have tons of cameras, film cams, that you never use anymore. go out and waste film. life's too short.

6. go out and get some sun - stop it with the staying home on weekends catching up on series crap. really, life doesn't happen on the screen. it happens outside.

7. reach out to family and friends - yup, since you've moved, you've distanced yourself to friends and family. thats not good.

8. be full-time jaded - i've realized that i'm not as jaded and cynical as i thought. because even if i say it, in my heart, i know that i'm still a hopeless hopeful romantic. i thought that i'll still find someone. BUT that was last year. i had hoped that my big move would bring about new changes. but since it didn't, then i'm back to being full-time jaded. i think i'm also too idealistic. i want the fairytale, greatest love story, a love that lasts forever kind. but that doesn't happen anymore. no siree. there's no such thing. all this grand gestures that hollywood feeds us is just that - stuff that only happens in movies, staged, rehearsed, fluffed up for entertainment's sake. which explains the stories that i do get, kalokohan at katatawanan.

anyway, simple lang naman ang dapat na take-away eh. as what my poster says, choose life. choose your future.